“There’s no traffic.” I’m in a food coma, and mumbling.

“What?” asks Molly.

“I said, there’s no traffic.”

“And no sirens!” we add, in unison. Jinx.

We’re on the back deck of Captain Billy’s Crab House, a crab-shack hanging off the east bank of the Potomac somewhere in southern Maryland. There’s only the sound of the water lapping against the pylons below us, broken occasionally by the powerful thrum of a motorboat cruising by. Gulls are hanging out on the dock posts just outside, but surprisingly they don’t heckle us for scraps. A warm breeze, not entirely unpleasant, damps down the humidity. Briefly.

Earlier in the week, Molly’s husband, Jesse, had a craving for some steamed crabs, so after a brief discussion and several references to a clipping of a year-old article from The Competition, the three of us hit the road early on a Sunday afternoon. About an hour and a half (and approximately three rainstorms) later, we pulled up to Captain Billy’s. The drive itself was an easy 35 mile trip down Maryland Routes 5 and 301, and had we not hit every red light between DC and Newburg we could’ve shaved a few minutes off our overall time.

Captain Billy’s snuck up on us — after four miles of cornfields, tobacco plants, and historical markers, there was a bend in Pope’s Creek Road; as we pulled out of the curve, the Crab House was right there in front of us. We pulled in to the huge gravel lot opposite the restaurant to park. I didn’t realize how close the water was until I got out of the car; we were far enough south for the air to have that distinctive saline smell – not quite the ocean, but the memory of it. In the distance, I could see the Potomac River Toll Bridge.

We made our way through the restaurant, foregoing the cool indoors for the soothing calm (okay, the soothing humid calm) of the outdoors. I recall there being quite an array of selections to choose from on the menu, but we were there for one thing, and one thing only. Bring on the crabs! And a pitcher of beer! Okay, two things. (If you want a complete rundown of the menu, check out Captain Billy’s web site.)

Now, I’m not a crab connoisseur, so I can’t tell you how, say, on an arbitrary scale of 1 to 10 Captain Billy’s crabs fared. They were delicious. But, crabs are one of those rare foods with a low reap-to-reward ratio. It seems to me that any food that you have to work at so much is automatically going to have an intensity of flavor, of taste, that is in direct proportion to the amount of sweat that drips from your forehead onto your food’s Old Bay-caked surface while you’re trying to crack it open without splashing yourself with bright yellow crab guts. In fact, I don’t think anyone actually can get full eating crabs – I think you eventually get tired of all the work, and resign yourself to filling up on hush puppies (the only other item we ordered off the menu; they were good, if a bit dry. Try ‘em with honey.).

It had been a few years since my last crab dinner experience, but I was delighted to discover that step-by-step instructions for dismembering crabs are printed on Captain Billy’s placemats, which remained legible only for about half a second of crab carnage. Luckily, it’s not that difficult a process to recall. Just messy. Really, really messy.

Directions from DC
Take the Suitland Parkway to Route 5/Branch Avenue (toward Waldorf and points south). Route 5 eventually becomes Route 301. Continue south on Route 301 until you come to Popes Creek Road on the right. (Look for the huge Captain Billy’s Crab House billboard, or you might miss the turnoff.) Turn right onto Popes Creek Road and follow it for approximately 4 miles. (See where John Wilkes Booth started his trek up the Potomac to assassinate Lincoln!). Look for the big neon crab. You’re there!